one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
