Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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