i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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