Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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