If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
