Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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