I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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