Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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