i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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