I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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