My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
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