i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
