They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
