dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
