i already hear my dad disowning me
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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