i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
