I cut my penus on the lid.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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