I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
