true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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