Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
