I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You left your phone here
Wait...
His nipple licking is glorious
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