OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
where are my eyebrows?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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