The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
