Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
