Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
