I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
