Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Randomize
