im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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