The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
