i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
