I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I enjoy the company of your penis
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
