he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
