soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
