My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
