In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Randomize
