I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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