dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
