I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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