My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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