why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
my liver is dry heaving
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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