If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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