There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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