The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
