I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Everyone says I win the strip club
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
