Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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