Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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