Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize
