My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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