I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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