five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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