U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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