So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
