News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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