If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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