for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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