Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
