no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
