I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
